Nine

550 words

I wanted to come here and write about how the long Diwali weekend allowed me to have time for myself every single night because my evenings were free. (See Day Four for daily schedule). However, I was informed that someone I know very closely has been detected with cancer. My heart feels heavy and I am unable to things about lightness and happiness. My parents kept this news from me for 2 weeks so as to not worry me. I didn’t inform my parents about a school senior passing away unexpectedly because I didn’t want to worry them. I know I have not learnt how to handle grief, and even trying to think that grief can be “handled” is such an inane idea to me. It’s like trying to manage life as if it is a business plan, and that’s nonsense.

We almost got into an accident today because the garbage truck in front of us braked unexpectedly because the car in front of it braked because the small tempo in front of it skid onto the divider. (No one was hurt, thankfully.) For a whole minute, it seemed like our heart had slowed down. We turned off the music, and waited for some time before realising what had happened and what we needed to do. I had forgotten about this until now. Imagine how thoughts, tasks, and technicalities got into the day removing any memory of this until it returned just now. Until I sat down to write this entry.

In yesterday’s blog I said that I was going to stop doing the emotional labour of educating people. I have failed at it, but I will keep trying. I am teaching myself new interaction skills that I should have probably learned sooner. You know how they say everything doesn’t warrant a response? I am applying that in many aspects of my life to help unburden myself. A little bit of detachment is needed as I am highly sensitive. I also want some stability for myself so I am not encumbered by the every day. I have started saying the Serenity Prayer in the morning starting this week.

Usually, when I work late, and it takes me time to wind down, I tend to wake up later than usual. Not having time for myself to sit down and do nothing, anything, even stare at the jamun tree outside my window makes me feel weighed down. On such mornings, after a late night, I wonder if I really want to go work out or I want to just sit for an hour at home and do nothing. Spoiler alert: I tend to skip the workout studio and do nothing. It is this time of doing nothing, or even doing a small self-care act for myself that the long weekend offered me, and I wanted to write about it. I wanted to write about its beauty, its lilting fragrance, and the quietness of it. However, it has turned out to be a different kind of feeling to lay out here into the world here today.

Here’s sending out a prayer into the skies for all those I know who are suffering, those who need it, those I love and care for. Here’s sending out a prayer into the skies, even for me.

Previous Posts
Day Eight
Day Seven
Day Six
Day Five
Day Four
Day Three
Day Two
Day One