Ten

804 words

By Day Eight, I had finished reading 7 books from Oct 1 to Nov 3. I was mighty pleased with myself to have gotten back into the rhythm of reading literature (I read some really intense books) and also for starting off my November so strong. Reading a whole book in just 3 days! That was my jam, it made me happy, it lighted up my brain, and warmed my insides. When October rolled in, I had read only seven books towards my reading goal for this year (24 books in 12 months) and the goal was looking unattainable, my prospects bleak. So, I cut down on social media, picked up my pencil, my cutesy bookmark, and went at it. By end of the month, I was down to 14 books. Only 10 more to go. By Nov 3, I had only nine more to go. And then, the rhythm stopped abruptly.

I took a day to peruse through my books lists, and clean out my book shelf for prospective reads. I was elated, enriched. Then, a someone at work took me aside and into a complicated, long conversation which emotionally drained me, again. It took the wind out of my sails. I needed to put everything aside and contemplate the nature of what it means to be alive. What it means to be me. My self-esteem plummeted, my drive to continue to be myself was reduced. It has been very hard trying to hold on to a sense of self for me in these past few years (Day One). I question my belonging, my way of being, and my entire body itself. They say the mind and the body are interlinked (obviously), and I feel my body shrinking, my energy levels dipping. An overall sense of insufficiency has become part of me, and I am trying to work very hard to fill it out. Earlier, I used to rage at the machine. Now, I distance myself from it. I don’t have the energy to rage against the machine, anymore.

It is also why I haven’t written here in the last few days despite strongly believing that we need to do things that give us joy and make us happy to combat the demons in our mind. I feel sad that other people are able to steal away my courage, my peace of mind, and my overall energy. Do I believe I am right all the time? No. Do I think I am beyond reproach? No. Do I want to be supported and have something going for me from time to time? Yes. I suppose that’s not such a bad thing. All of us need to feel like we will be taken care of, and win the small battles of the every day. I am being human after all.

In other news, I did go to the tailor (Day Nine) and I have some reservations because he said he will need to put a lining inside my kurta. I don’t like clothes to be too thick, the weather in my city doesn’t support this kind of clothing. However, both, the tailor and my friend who went with me, reassured me it will be fine. So, we will wait and see how it turns out. After the tailor, my friend and I walked around the neighbourhood, had some bhel and sugarcane juice. Then, we had half a Nutella bagel at a food truck (no, really). We also explored a local Lucknowi kurta shop, and I returned home in a cab that wasn’t all that bad.

I have made a list of things I haven’t done because I have been paralysed by fear. It’s not a usual to-do list. I mean, I suppose it is a to-do list in shape and form. However, those are things I have been putting off due to anxiety, fear, and lack of courage. Carrying around these indecisions has been burdensome. I feel weighed down. So I decided to get on and over with them. Not doing the things I want to do feels like a punishment I am carrying on my shoulders. It makes me feel smaller, closes my heart. After a point in time, the weight of these undone things becomes heavier than doing them at all. So now, I am doing them all. Wish me courage.

I am watching the TV show Kaos on Netflix and I have spaced out the episodes and taken my time with them. I want to write to all of you about it, the joy and cleverness of it. The catharsis of it. Meanwhile, if you have a book for me to read towards my reading goal, please send it to me.