Look at Her Now

I think that my reluctance to blog regularly will save me from my own feelings and from occupying space in the social order. Of course, that is happening only in my mind. I want to save myself from voicing the fact that I know we are living through collapse of society around us, however the truth is that not many people think so and that’s why I wonder if I am cuckoo. My privilege comes to the fore in the unintended economic lessons I receive in my own home. The way my parents handle finances and monthly expenses is starkly different from the way I handle them. I spend more money on things and I genuinely don’t know the cost of any groceries. On the other hand, my parents save money and don’t waste anything because their belief systems are built on having enough rather than having too much. I have come to admire this trait of theirs. They measure. I don’t. They repair. I toss it out. They ration. I live in the moment. Of late, I have started observing this difference in styles closely because I have good reason to believe that the rich are getting richer and the poor and becoming poorer. Me? I am stuck in the middle. Boy says that my privilege allows me to disconnect from the realities of the world and, from time to time, I should use it to take care of my mental health.

Of late, I find peace and solace in slowing down and being surrounded by greenery and any kind of beauty. Despite whatever my age may demand, my body asks of me to slow down. My mind needs me to immerse itself closer to the earth or in large spaces. I’m unable to keep up with the hustle. I refuse to physically be in small spaces. I know old people feel this way, and maybe I am old in my bones, but right now I need a life that I can savour instead of gobble down. I’ve wondered many times if this is long Covid, but I know that my value systems have undergone a change. I have a whole new set of belief systems and my old life or the popular ways of the world don’t suit me. I specifically say this because I’ve had years when I’ve lived in a heady rush but I can’t keep up with that past version of my anymore. I’m not in any hurry despite knowing that our worldly systems cannot afford to pause. But me? I unsubscribe from this pandemonium.

Last week I was telling Childhood Friend (CF) how I miss being myself and being able to listen to my own inner voice. It seems as though my whole life is underscored by my marital status. The absence of a man in my life negates the rest of my existence in the eyes of society. I don’t write much about it but being single is very hard and it requires a constant push back. Any single woman knows what I am talking about. I don’t believe that being single in itself is hard, but people around you make it harder for you. I agree with Jasmine of The Alipore Post when she says that it’s not that single people are inherently lonely but that they’re made to feel alone by society. Bang on the buck that thought. I also know for a fact that a lot of living requires us to push back on the world and its structures that are closing in on us all the time. I’m not under the impression that married people don’t have their own struggles against the world. That’s why it makes me think that constant resistance is a part of living. Maybe we have to resist to live our lives. The act of living is an act of rebellion when it should be an act of wonder. I’m not dejected by this thought. I’m merely stating what I am sensing at this time. I hope that I am wrong about this at some point.

It is probable this is why I find the act of slowing down in my life more fulfilling. I am able to experience events with more clarity and be fully present for them. At least I try and I try very hard. I want time to take its time.