Forgiving Myself

I have a little bit of an ego problem. I also have the ability to accept a sticky situation and reach out to make it right, doesn’t matter if I’m right or wrong. I thank God that the acceptance is more than the ego. I’ve been in spots in the last some odd months where I’ve just let my ego win all the time. It did win and very well at that. It sat like a smug kid on the porch of my heart not letting anyone in.

Recently, I lost my cool at a close friend in office. I said quite a few things that I felt then and very cleanly slit the harmony between us so that it dripped of sadness. The next morning, I woke up and realised it wasn’t worth it. There is a certain amount of regard he has for me and vice versa so I didn’t see the need for us fighting like that.Our last conversation went something like:
Me: After 2 years, I don’t believe I have to ask you to regard my feelings. We are beyond that.
Him: Exactly. And that is why I find this conversation pretty stupid.
Me: Me too. However, I have nothing more to say.
Him: Fine. Take care and be safe. I’m leaving. Bye.
Me: Bye

Even though, I had realised that the said argument was pretty stupid I didn’t make any effort for 3 days to talk to him. My ego needed to be held high. It did win. I wanted to talk to him, but I did not. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. For 3 days, I had a knot in my heart. It kept bothering me deep down and I let it fester. When this morning, I finally asked myself, “Sameen is it worth it? How stupid!” I agreed with myself and went and spoke to him. That knot in my head undid itself and I could breathe free. We laughed like small kids and went back to being what we were. Just picked up from where we left and moved on. He smiled. I smiled. It made me feel human again.

Then, I picked my phone and called a very close friend I hadn’t spoken to for over a month. Even with her, I had let my ego win. Whatever may have caused us to not talk, could be kept aside. It surely isn’t more important than the person. I spoke to her, felt a little more at ease. I know she won’t call me back though she said she would, but that’s okay. I know she will eventually come around. You don’t just spend 11 years with someone without forgiving each other a lot of mistakes.

After that, I walked into a mall to buy another friend a gift I promised but couldn’t find time because of my “hectic” schedule. Called her, spoke to her, and we laughed and realised that after all these years, we still like the same things!

Now, when I sit here typing this, I feel freer than I ever have in the recent past. Less guilty, more like myself, not caught up in a web, and much more accepting than ever.

So, as I sign off, I want to explicitly thank the person inside me who asked me to go and talk to my friend. Someone inside me said to me, “Baat kar le usse. Dost hai yaar.” 🙂

All of us need acceptance and an explicit display of love. After all, beneath it all we are all made of the same things. Talk to people you love. They want to hear you say you love them.


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