Disclaimer: This post is a vent. It might not hold true in the morning. Well, some of it at least.
There is simply no other way to put this: an unexplained sadness has seized me. What about? Desertion, of some kind. Although, I don’t know what it really is, here are a few assumptions.
1. I used to think that there will never be any justice for the Jews who died in the Holocaust. It seemed difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact that Hereafter, God would line up Hitler and his comrades, and meet out justice for what they did. Sometimes I felt like there would be nothing done about the atrocities at all. One just had to accept it, and move on. We weren’t strong enough to avert or defeat them, so all we needed to do was live with them. These days I feel the same way about the Palestinians. I don’t know if there will be any justice for them, either. That we shall be celebrating Eid tomorrow, and they will still be digging graves makes me immensely sad. Graves make me sad. No, it’s not a matter of black and white. For me, this is really fundamental. It’s about people who are dying; children who are being killed. Ironical that the state which is killing them is Jewish.
Islam says that the month of Ramzan is the month of humans. So Shaitan or Satan – who was made from fire – is locked up and banned from causing mischief and sin on Earth. Every time I read the news about the killings in Gaza, it made me wonder how we have nothing to blame on Satan. After all, we’re worse. probably much more.
So, here’s what I have decided for my children, when I have them. Before they are told anything about religion, I will sit them down, and show them Kung Fu Panda 1 and 2. (I have a whole theory around this; but that will require a full post.) I have noticed that these two movies have everything one needs to know about living and dying. If one has read enough about the Abrahamic religions, one can see the similarities between Kung Fu Panda 1 and the creation of this Earth. There is a God; he gives life to a being of Fire; he teaches him everything he knows and loves him most; then God creates human from mud and tells the being of fire about how the being of mud is a more beautiful creation; the being of fire gets angry (because he is arrogant) and decides to ruin everything for the being of mud; God banishes him; and that’s how the world began. In Kung Fu Panda 1, there is Shifu; he loves Tai Lung; teaches him everything he knows; Tai Lung grows arrogant; Shifu banishes him; and Tai Lung decides to come after the dragon scroll and ruin everything in its wake.
Now I don’t propagate the Abrahamic theory of creation of Earth, but somehow that’s how the world works. Sometimes, whatever or whoever you love most grows in such an uncontrollable size that you have to kill it. Then of course there is believing in oneself (like the scroll says), the importance of hard work (that Shifu teaches Po), the love of family and food (Po and his father), and friends (Po and the Furious Five). That’s the movie which should replace all religious texts. That is. I don’t think I want to teach children about justice. Maybe karma doesn’t work. I don’t really know.
2. It’s easy to let go of people when they’ve been absolute rubbish to you. You can hate them, banish them to a bitter corner of your heart, and someday wait for apathy to set in towards them. But what about letting people go when they’ve been absolutely adorable, they’ve been there for you and loved you when you needed it the most? It’s difficult to let people go when they’ve been assholes, but much more difficult when they have been adorable.
I’ve had to let someone go. Something told me it was time. It makes me sad.
3. I started reading The Bluest Eyes by Toni Morrison. It’s a book about a girl who feels rejected. The prologue itself has the power to take ones breath away. The book is about a girl who is made to feel like doesn’t she belong, and is pushed away. Something very close to how I feel tonight, and on days when I take stock of the sadness that creeps up inside me. It’s like shaking off everything that was supporting me once, and standing all alone in the middle of nowhere. The sudden sadness is a by-product of a kind of loneliness that I cannot put my finger on. Specially because I have every single thing I need, and everything I could possibly want in right within my reach.
4. Over the weekend I found old notebooks. In one of them, I found rough writings of a short “book” I once wrote. It was over two years ago at a time when I had left my previous company. Reading those notes, with words scribbled, cut out, made better, and small drawings to accompany them made me feel amazed at how time nullifies everything. I had an epiphany about what I think makes a good book – its ability to be true in any age and time; it’s universality. That “book” which I wrote was true only for that time. Today, it’s just a dream that once was; which evaporated as soon as I woke up. It’s just a lie that I made up inside my head. It’s a sad lesson, and learnt the hard way, but it must be remembered. However, it makes me infinitely sad. Also, it was a close friend’s last day today, at the same previous company. I know how it feels to leave it. It’s heartbreaking. I heard a small crack.
5. It has rained incessantly for three days now. It’s dark outside. Always has been.
I’m not sure which of these it is, but I think a good remedy would be to curl up with a pillow. Sleep tends to sort things out.
Mornings make things better.