I’ve been having trouble with forgiveness. It’s just not my greatest strength these days. I suspect that it’s the root of having most things stuck up where they are.
I fear that what I write here will be used against me, as it has been done in the past. There’s no forgiveness for people trespassing my blog. However, I do realise that one must let go. I’ve not tried as hard because I haven’t had any time for myself these past months, which brings me to something else I cannot forgive. And on and on it goes.
More than anything it is myself that I need to let off the hook. Sure, I made bad choices. I wasn’t strong enough. I’m not magnanimous enough. And so what? I find it hard to convince myself that I came here on this Earth to make mistakes. That’s what pisses me off about most religions and everything about the good wolf and the bad wolf. Everything is so fixated about being right, being good that the onus of making mistakes is too much to bear. I want to allow myself the luxury of messing up while I live.
So, while I am here I’d like learn how to forgive those who have taken advantage of information I share on this blog, the friends who turned their backs on me, time that strode right past while I couldn’t still pick myself up, the Almighty for not helping me while I got sicker, unhealthy, and weary by the day, the people who denied me my right to be weak. In my arrogance, I also want to forgive all those people who I expected to be stronger. All of you were supposed to keep holding the world up while I didn’t.
I have felt wronged and abandoned, and I have tried telling myself that this happens, and sometimes I will be bereft. It has made me come into my own a little. I mean, imagine my horror when I was given my life in my hands and asked to take care of it. And how horribly unprepared I was for it. I’ve been hard on me, and I’ve been unfair to me. So above all, I’d like to learn how to forgive myself.
I’m having a wee bit trouble with that.