Long Overdue Letter

Dear God,

I know we don’t get along anymore, but I need help – the magical kind of an intervention and so, who better to write to, than you. It is a universally acknowledged fact, by most people at least, that you exist and you can turn around anything. Quite honestly, even I believed so once, and not lately. However I’ve come to a point where there’s nowhere else to go. So, you.

I know that this is how most of mankind works – first they don’t believe in you and then come grovelling to you. Well, let’s just say that I did so too – but because my intently wished for desire, you didn’t help manifest. Let’s face it, I prayed for something at every single one of your doorsteps – Jama Masjid and Nizamuddin Dargah at Delhi, Ajmer Sharif, Old British Church in Kerala, St. Francis Church and Church of Mother Mary in Turkey, and in that templatised prayer of every day that you will know if you’ve been listening. You denied it to me and put a dent in my heart. They say you know what your believers want in life and if they pray to you with honest hearts, you grant it to them.

You granted me nothing in 3 years now. So much so that I have stopped asking for things. I don’t have desires anymore. It could be a sign of depression, but I’ll figure that out later. For now, it’s getting very difficult for me to get something right. Wherever I go, I hit a roadblock. Whatever I try to build gets torn down. Whoever I look up to for support abandons me – you included. Everything as I know it, is pulling me down. And you being God Almighty should know this. I’m sure there could be good enough reasons for this. Just like the reason why my deep desire was not granted. However I think from today onwards, I am going to start to get jaded.

As you know, I’m a very hopeful person and I have gone on all these years waiting for that turn when things get better. I mean, that’s how you work, right? Give us bad patches and then good ones?

Where’s my good patch, God?

What did I not do right?

Are you really the calculating kind of God or have you any mercy?

Because I tried discounting your presence and taking matters into my own hands. I did that, too. I held myself accountable for all decisions and situations I fell into. It worked for a while, but then I started berating myself for everything that went wrong so much so that this week I had to put a stop to it and say – you know what, fuck this shit, I didn’t do this, I didn’t work towards this.

As you would know, I have worked very hard for 3 years now. I have developed anxiety because of the effort I’ve been putting in and in needing to control my actions. I’ve failed. I’ve failed at everything. I also failed at my own faith. I can’t do it anymore. I am getting tired and I want to rest awhile. I want someone to tell me that my actions have mattered, I’m adequate the way I am, and lo and behold – there’s my sunshine patch.

Where is my sunshine patch, God?

Where is it?

And so I need a miracle because all I have done this week is be overwhelmed and cried at the times when my heart became full. I have trudged and cried. I have picked myself up and tried. And the whole week went by to end in this day today where I was neither here nor there. This day has been a colossal failure. Just like me.

So, I need your miracle. I want you to do something so that my hair shines – this is a real wish, I am in no mood for poetry. I want my hair to shine – it was falling, which has stopped but it looks dull. So make my hair shine. I want my skin to glow. I want you to please bring out a magic wand so that I leave this country and live in a better one. I also want you to send someone who wants to share his life with me – his life with me, not mine with him – there’s a subtle difference there. I also want out from doing this daily job – so please make alternate provisions. Just do the magic. Say the three words. I’ll buy the house and the bookshelf or I’ll write you another letter about those.

But for now, you can start with making my hair shine.

Fix this, God. Please make the time for me, and fix this.

I beg of you. I do.

Amen