For some days now I’ve been really impassive to the events around me. I’ve not bothered to analyse my situation, not taken the trouble to think of a solution, not ventured out to ask for advice. Nothing! In short I’ve just lived like a piece of furniture for some days. (Come to think of it I’ve not even written something for a while now). Today I wish to break this monotony.
I feel overwhelmed by life at times and the existence human beings have created for themselves. At such times I’m cursing the planet like it’s my mortal enemy. Today for some odd reason, I write this post on an impulse and for once I want to be the girl I’ve always been. I want to be that girl who lived her life by what her heart desired and not by meticulous calculation. I want to confess to certain things I really want and this post may sound utopian and idealistic but I am by nature a non conformist.
I don’t want to keep myself closed.
I want to live on my own rules. I get tired of being what they want me to be and I get fed up of twisting and turning myself to please them.
I don’t want to pretend and I don’t want to be honest at times.
I want to say things that I want to and not worry about an outcome.
I don’t want the irksome advice that people will give me on the ‘rules’ of life.
I want to be allowed to live and not be corrected at every step of the way.
I don’t care about norms and I don’t bother about rules. I never did.
I want be free in the real sense.
I don’t want to compromise and I don’t want to feel this way.
I want to sort things out and I want to put things together.
I don’t want to be afraid of death and I don’t want to be scared of living.
I want to really talk to someone at times and at others I don’t even care.
I don’t want to be a human and at times I need a hand to hold on to.
I want to be me at times and at others I don’t want to be the way I am.
And now that I’ve written all this I don’t want to think about what anyone will think about my sanity. And therefore I am going to post this.
It kind of happens to me these days that, somehow, I’m unable to put my finger on one thing. It is also possible that I may not agree with any of this at a later date. I feel like I’m caught in the middle of someone I used to be and someone I’m about to become. (That is a different issue altogether!)