Ever since I can remember, I have had a God to go to. I have believed in Him more than I did in anything else. Somehow, that hasn’t been enough. There is a constant need for me to wear my religious preferences on my sleeve. I could say I am uncomfortable doing so only that I am not allowed to say so. It’s a matter of great sensitivity how I believe in a God above and if I differ from the views of the organized religion I am a part of, I have my head to lose. What makes matters worse is that there is also very little tolerance for dialogue and conversations in such matters. There is no room for disagreement or an alternate agreement in such cases. Religious preferences are handed to you and you abide with them. There is no room for debate. Not that I want to. But I have found myself misunderstood many times with reference to what I believe in. Apparently, I don’t play the part too well because I don’t have a badge on my chest declaring my alignments. Until a major part of my life it was fine by me, but no more. So, here I shall take the time to attempt at feeble conversation. Rather monologue. I have believed in a God above even before I could fully grasp how religion is intertwined with society. I have had a very close relationship with Him and for all my life I have never been let down. I always pray in a bus/train, majorly while travelling. I can’t not pray while I am in transit. That is also the reason why I prefer travelling alone. It’s my private time for conversing with the Almighty who, for me, is more than someone who is waiting to cast us into Hell-fire or welcome us into Heaven. I have been more connected than I can possibly explain and that is why I have never explained. For some reason, I never thought that I needed to go to the market with my beliefs and showcase them to the world. I have been in some really bad situations and got out of it by talking to the God above, by asking for help and receiving it. I have been in rapturous moments and I have stopped to say Thank you to Him. I have shared every single moment of my life with my Creator and in more transparency than with anyone else and I have never been afraid. I maintain that I could stand in front of my Creator with no fear whatsoever because He knows me better than anyone and would never misunderstand me. But if you ask me to stand in front of a human and explain how I live the way I live, I would have my reservations. My connection with my Creator was a matter of personal pride for me. That’s why I always maintained my religious view a “God loves me…” Religion, for me, was a personal matter. Very personal. Until I was cornered and asked to wear it on my sleeve.
This is for all those people who think I am not religious enough-thank you for your opinion and we are done here. Frankly, I couldn’t care less about such people. I really couldn’t. If you think I am not good enough for your religious standards, just walk past me. What I do with my religion or my beliefs is my business and if you don’t buy it, guess what? I am not selling them to you any way. For all those people who mocked me about how I dress or how I am not a believer, I could show you the finger but I won’t. I just silently smile because I forgive you for what you don’t understand. For every single person who thinks that I will die in Hell, good for you! You’ve mastered the art of prophecy and you can now get yourself a stall in a mall and mark people Hell-bound or Heaven-bound. May the Lord bless you with more strength to guide people on the right path. For everyone who thinks that I have lost my way, guess what? I have. I did lose it the minute I thought I could be a part of the society that judges me based on how well I can flaunt my religion. I have no empathy for anyone who has the time to ridicule me or judge me on the basis of my prayer time. If I burn in Hell for not living my life your way, I’d have deserved it, so why should you care? Too philanthropic, are you?
It’s a matter of personal degradation for me to come out in public and elucidate on the belief system I hold. It is a matter of shame, frankly. And what has brought me to this state is utter erosion of the person I was or the one that I thought I was. While I was getting through this life, I thought that when I die, I would be accountable for what I made of the life that was given to me. Whether I could be a better person and whether I believed in Him even through apocalyptic phases of my life. But I don’t see myself anywhere anymore. I know I have been gnawed at every day of my life to be someone I wasn’t. I tried, with the help of Almighty, to keep my sanity and be who I was born to be, but I know I have lost the plot. I don’t believe it will get better from here on. I don’t believe that I will one day be who I was born to be. I don’t believe that I will still have that connection with my Creator for I will lose it to the showcasing that I have to do. I don’t believe I will be whole again because what I had to give has been taken away from me. My faith is faltering and I cannot hold it up.
I would have wanted more of this life with a guiding light to see me through it until I was descended six feet under. But the constant need for me to be someone I am not has overtaken. I used to be pious for myself for the belief I held. Now, I will join the ranks of the people who took away from me what I had. Like they say, if you can’t beat them, join them.
A God has ceased to exist. A life has ceased to matter.