It was late at night and the sector had gone to sleep. The shops were closed and the only sound that punctuated my inchoate thoughts was that of typing on my keyboard. My friend was having trouble with a software. Both of us had been up with the lark and had worked through the day that resembled furious burrowing. For her, the day should have ended with a dance party. For me, it should have ended with writing. I offered help, she refused it. She pushed me away to go to sleep. I had been working too hard and too long, she said. I egged her to let me take up her share of work. She needed to take time off to go dance, I said. The day ended with our tired selves giving up, and neither did she go dance nor did I write.
At the start of the day, I had a handle on my day and everything was going according to plan. I had a plan, alright. Work was on track, the clock was ticking on my side, and yes, I even understood the pages of A Clockwork Orange that I read. And then suddenly, a curveball came from nowhere throwing everything out of accord. I had no idea what was going on. I have no experience in playing ball. I don’t know how. I also don’t know if what I did was acceptable. I had to get out of there, alive. And while I lived I needed to have some self-respect that I lived it well.
I created a character that says “Life is like a Sine Wave. Sometimes up, and sometimes down.” But I don’t think she knows what that really means. No one knows what “down” really means. Even I don’t. Because when that curveball comes and hits you in the face, you’re not sure which way to go. Yes, I have spent a major part of this year learning how to be efficient, kinder, positive, an achiever, and myself. I have had to re-learn how to be myself. Am I a dreamer? Am I a dreamer who does? Am I supposed to call people? Will that be okay, or does that make me too needy? Am i supposed to ask for what is my right? Or does that make me too arrogant? Am I supposed to “expect” my friends to be there for me? (This one is really tough. I still don’t know the answer.) Am I supposed to mask all my fears? Am I supposed to hide my vulnerabilities? Or is it okay if I confide in someone that I am scared? Is it socially acceptable to not know how to be a strong person? Is it okay to say that I am tired? Or not? Will someone love me with my fractures? Or no?
Or am I supposed to be that girl who has everything in order? Am I supposed to have planned my vacation to the t? Should I know how to politely disagree? Should I not laugh too loudly? Should I be that person who never says a word out of line? Should I not ask for what I want because why should I? Should I never be a bad version of myself? Should I never fall from grace? Should I pretend to like people even if I don’t? Should I hide excessive feelings? Should I not tell someone that I like them because they would run away from me thinking that I am getting too close for comfort? Should I be an ideal person?
All this gets compounded when I am at the end of a day which had everything going for me and then it suddenly crashed all the way to the gutter. I think this can be extrapolated to life as well. How do you deal with that “down”? You had everything going for you, and then poof. Everything got turned into ash. Was I too needy? Was I not strong? Was I insecure? Was I falling?
Maybe, I was. But, so what? Isn’t there room for my failings?
Yes, I am imperfect. I am insecure, and my self-worth is not at its zenith. I get scared. I am not very efficient. I am jealous. I like people, but I also don’t like some. I have a dark side. I have demons. But I constantly try to be better. Yesterday, I tried to be better than the day before, and up until a point I did well after which I failed. So, yes, I fail.
And I cry.
Is there no room for me?