An awfully long, outstanding undertaking came to an end this morning. I did not heave a sigh of relief, but somewhere the brain registered that it was over. I could move on from the long waits, the impatience that springs from the endless waiting, and the consequent destruction of the peace of mind that comes from tarrying.
Earlier this week, a year (of sorts) came to an end. I did heave an audible sigh of relief. The past was over. I was stepping into a new year and hopefully, it will have challenges that I will be able to surmount and not cower under. Even if it doesn’t, what the heck. It’s over. A cord has been cut loose. I feel free from the burden of trudging through a time which ensured that I couldn’t give up. It was a long, dark tunnel and I just had to keep walking. Imagine my relief at coming out on the other end. No, there are no joyous jumps in jubilation. There is just silent affirmation of the end of that time. It suffices.
It is the season of endings.
While I was talking to someone last night, I said I didn’t know what my heart wanted. It’s true. As of now, I don’t know what I “want”. I do have everything I need. As for the want, I am yet to figure that out. Specially because I am not perusing anything new. Not even new books. I am re-reading my old ones. I am not seeking out new stories to write. I am not in anticipation of something earth-shattering. I don’t walk into the candy store of the universe and point at things that catch my fancy. I sit outside, on the wooden bench of the store and watch the world go by. It’s a quiet sort of alone-time. One that I am content with.
However, one of these days I wish I have some elevated sense of emotion. A tug at my heart that makes me go out and pull the stars off the sky. A fire that lights and maybe a fire that burns. A desire that compels me to cross land mass or even the distance between me and my desire. A want that burns inside me and makes me funnel the depths of my life. I wish that happens someday, soon.
For now I am quite content on that wooden bench. Do sit next to me if you should like to.