Manag(e)-er??

Disclaimer: This post has not been written with an intention to take a dig at my managers. It has to be taken purely in good humour. (Though, I wonder if it will have any humour at all!) If any of my managers are reading this (the possibility is remote), but if you guys are I’d like to go on record and say I really love you guys! Honest.

‘Management’ is the all important task in a ‘corporate company’ and ‘Manager’ is the all important person. If you are an engineer reading this post then I am almost sure that even you want to be a manager someday. The feeling of being a manager comes complimentary with the engineering degree. Even if you are not an engineer then, I can safely assume that you might want to be a manager after reading this post. Why? Oh you just have to read on for that…

Management is a fairly exciting job. I won’t say it is simple, in case any of my managers are reading (everyone thinks their job is the toughest, you know.) The daily activities of a manager are extremely beneficial in many ways (from where I see it.)

Managers love to talk. The most important task of their day is a ‘Meeting’. Their day starts with a meeting and ends with a meeting. And it is interspersed with meetings all throughout (that is why they have GD rounds during the management college entrance procedures people!) They have a meeting with the senior manager to ‘define’ tasks for the day. They have a meeting with the team to ‘impress’ upon them the tasks of the day. Then they have a meeting with the senior manger again to ‘escalate’ the grievances of the team, if any. They have team meetings, scrum meetings, meetings with the biggies, meetings among themselves and meetings away from the eyes of the ‘unsuspecting’. Phew! That’s a lot of talk during the day mind you! And it is important talk! The benefit from this is that you dream about your office and colleagues at night. That keeps you ‘in the groove’

Managers also love to stare into their computer screens. They will form a huddle in front of one computer and everyone will stare at the screen silently. This makes them look really important and engrossed in work. This also makes them look smart. They will stare at it in silence for minutes and ‘think’. (Again, I’m not saying ‘pretend to think’ in case any of my managers are reading!) I won’t be surprised if at least one of them would be wondering, ‘What the hell are the others thinking?’ The benefit from this activity is that they get some free time to think about the football match at night or about the shopping spree that they intend to undertake (Yeah dude, even women can be managers. DUH!)

Managers love ‘Microsoft Excel’. Totally. They will spend a lot of time adjusting the length and breadth of their excel spreadsheets. They will put a lot of numbers in those sheets and use a lot of colours in them too. Red colour stands for ‘risks that can hinder project schedule’ in percentage, Green colour stands for ‘pick up in project schedule’ in percentage, Yellow colour stands for ‘platonic conditions in project’ in percentage and on an on and on. (Now you guys know the importance of studying “Percentages’ in the Quant section!) The benefit of making these sheets is that you can calculate your monthly budget faster than your spouse can! Note: If the manager is a man this helps him immensely because his wife will love him more. (Women pride in having smart husbands.)

Managers make graphs all the time. Graphs to indicate the growth of the project, lag in project, employee performance, team performance and so on and so forth. Honestly I have not seen the graphs very intently to provide you a better view of the need of these graphs (I have my own work to concentrate on people!) But making graphs is awfully important. It makes you look smart and justifies the fact that you have to attempt the DI section the entrance exams. (Yes, yes that is a real  section in those exams.) The benefit of making these graphs? Oh you should have guessed it by now. They represent ‘complex numbers pictorially for better understanding.’ (They make you look smart duh!)

Managers love using words in a grand fashion. (The verbal section in the entrance exam papers explains this behaviour of managers.) They will talk to the team in the most refined and politically correct English that there is. (They can give the British competition at being politically correct.) They will throw words like ‘productivity’ ‘efficiency’, and ‘team performance’ amongst many more. They will ask questions like ‘How can we avoid this?’ and ‘What can be done to avert this from happening?’ And at the end of messing up your mind with lot of terms and facts they will ask you, ‘Is there anything you want?’ I’ve been asked that question many times and I have always said no. Now I’m making a list of things I want next time such a question is thrown at me.  The benefit? They appear to be the shelter from the storm. (Don’t ask me what that is.)

So you see management is a fairly simple job; you have to talk a lot, use numbers and terms all the time and ask questions that are smart. Its pretty easy. And what’s more you get paid like hell for just talking and being smart. (Again, I’m not saying ‘appearing smart’ in case any of my managers is reading.)

Ok I’ve said a lot of ‘politically incorrect’ things in post and I should get the hell out of here. (And maybe find myself a new job just in case!)

P.S: Read the disclaimer AGAIN.