Exactly a year ago as I sat here typing on my keyboard, I was an unemployed engineer. And to be honest I was pretty annoyed by the fact that I had nothing to do. Today, as I sit here I am an employed engineer. An annoyed employed engineer. Coming to think of it, seems like I’ve not even gone around in one year’s time, haven’t I? In any case, the reason for my annoyance this time is something different. Having to stay paralysed at home thanks to some illness is definitely not my idea of taking a break. And staying at home for more than 2 weeks is more annoying than ever! Having to eat boiled food, live on glucose water and sleep all day can be quite a task! Whoever said being lazy was easy couldn’t be more wrong! Inspite of all the positive outlook I’ve been sporting for 2 weeks now, today, I admit I’m so fed up! FED UP! And I am upset! (Now, an empty mind does that to you! I’ve seen people go mad because they’ve had nothing to do! I’m just whining let me!)
So, I’ve had my sister telling me, “Sameen look at it as an opportunity to eat healthy and get better!!” I have my mom telling me, “Its ok. Falling ill once in a year is fine. Look at it as a way to rest. You’ve not had the chance to rest in 6 months now.” And then I have my closest friend consoling me over the phone, when I tell her I’m sad, “Awww Sam! You’re gonna be just fine. Then we’ll go and watch Inception ok! Now smile…” I give her a feeble smile, though she can’t see it and go back to being a girl who sits in one corner of her house on the sofa all day with nothing to do. An empty mind and some random thoughts. Some messages from friends and tons of missed calls when I’m sleeping. Glucose water and boiled rice. That’s how I’ve spent 2 weeks. Then, I told myself there’s got to be a better way of beating the boredom and joblessness. So I picked up a book I bought for myself. I started reading. 1984. Pretty good book I’ve heard. So, that’s how I kept myself occupied until yesterday. Come today I’m just plain frustrated. I don’t want to sleep anymore. I don’t want to be pepping myself up anymore. I don’t want to tell myself I’ll be fine. Because I’m plain tired.
I am sad. I’m an udaas woman. I give a damn if you think I’m brooding. I remember, one friend once told me, “You have a right to be sad too.” What is the big deal if I decide today that I want to be upset? Why should anyone have a problem with it? What’s wrong with being sad? Isn’t that a human emotion too? Don’t we have a right to cry once in a while? Apparently no! This reminds me of an incident that once happened. There was this one time when I was by myself thinking, when this female came up to me. (I don’t want to use the term friend lest I insult that term.) So, where were we? Ah that female comes to me and she asks me, “What are you doing?” I said, “Nothing. I’m just thinking.” So, there she stood, unmindful of the fact that maybe I wanted to be alone, and went on and on about God-knows-what and at the end of her monologue, she said, “Ok now if you’ve finished moping you can come down.” Sure I can! So you see? You can’t even be thinking to yourself in this world these days. Let alone being sad and being on your own. So, if you can’t be sad what do you do? Ah I know! I know! Wear a mask. Hide the way you really feel. Keep it under wraps lest some ‘female’ comes along telling you that you’re moping when you’re thinking. But I’d like to know why? Why should I do that? I’ve decided that I’m going to be in my house. I’m going to sit in the corner with a long face. And I’m going to be sad for another 2 days. What the hell is your problem? (Ok now I sound like someone said something to me.)No one did. I’ve not been in a position to talk to people too. Now, you see why I want to be sad? I don’t even have strength to communicate!
To cut a long story short. I want to know what’s with people running away from a feeling called sadness? Why? What’s wrong with being sad? I didn’t say I was going to turn into a female-devdas.
What is wrong if my heart really hurts?
Why is it wrong if I cry?
Why should I hide from those I love, the untimed beating of my heart?
Why should I not be down and out, if a thousand times I’ve tried?
Am I not human?
Or am I a happiness-vending machine?
Tell me once why should I follow?
Those fake smiles you have and all that you have been.
I’m going to be on my own,
Till I can pick myself up one day
Until then, I’ll be seeing life by. And you?
If you want, you can walk right past me…
One thing I’ve noticed while I was busy being sad the last two days – I’ve gone on and one with my conversation with God and told him to put me right and all those things I want. Ah! I know he’s listening if no one else is. And, as I go back into the rest of this day feeling a little low, I’m going to be humming this song I heard today:
“Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? ‘Cause I could really use a wish right now. Wish right now. Wish right now…”
amarllyis 